Tell me where to go

it's still so fresh in my memory.

four years ago, i am with my father watching news. my father asked me. "ano bang gusto mong maging trabaho pagkagraduate mo?"

i stared at the TV... Julius Babao is reporting live from New York about the September 11 terrorist attack. then i answered, "a reporter".

my father nodded, stared at the TV and was silent the whole time. i never knew what he meant with his reaction or what he have thought about my answer since then.

the next thing i knew is that i'm taking my entrance exam in la salle dasma.

i've got my top three choices of courses that i wanted to take in my application form.

1. AB Communication
2. Broadcast Journalism
3. i can't hardly remember

i choose communication as my top choice for the reason that it is more general and has no specification. my idea is, you can't be so sure that if you've taken broadcast journalism you'll be a broadcast journalist. and so i've taken something that is more general, something that can put me anywhere as long as there is communication.

soon.. i've passed the entrance exam.. got my first choice! followed by an interview in communication arts department that i also passed.

me and my childhood friend anna who's with me along the way of applying, taking exams, passing requirements and finally enrolling.. found ourselves rejoicing as the man in the counter told us that we can already pay in the counter to enroll our subjects of our chosen course.

"yes! magkaklase tayo!" said anna.

"same section tayo?" i asked.

only to find out that we have different course codes. we've taken different courses.

"mag broadcast journalism ka na lang.. that's the same with communication.. wala naman masyadong difference.." anna told me.

then a bubble thought popped in my head. if anna and i were classmates.. it'll be more easier to adjust into college life coz you've already got someone you know.

another bubble thought popped in my head. anyway all you wanted is to be a reporter? right?

and so at the very last minute. right away i made a decision, without even thinking twice. i changed my course. i enrolled myself to broadcast journalism.

soon college life began. filled with unfamiliar people around me. culture shocked with their different attitudes and behaviors. finding ways how to get along with them. and questioning myself, did i made the right decision?

unsure with the path i've taken and being not happy and discontented with my performance in the class, i doubted myself if i am capable to continue the path that i took. soon, i was convinced that broadcast journalism is not for me. after all, im very timid, quiet and soft spoken... who would think that i can be a broadcaster? the next thing is, i'm holding my ceredentials and getting my clearance signed, planning to transfer into another universities to take a different course. that time i was planning to take up, psychology, for no reason at all. but since my grades are low, universities, such as St. Paul told me that i have to repeat 1st year college because none of my grades will be credited. i've also tried other colleges, they told me the same thing. i was hesitant, tuition fee is so expensive and i just can't put all efforts and money to trash. i can't agree to take the same minor and unrelated subjects again. i have no choice but to stay with the university that i'm into and just shift to communication arts. only to find out that there is a grade quota in shifting to comm arts. my move failed again and my only choice is to take a different course, psychology. for no reason again. well, i can be an HR.

i still can remember how the associate widened her eye and shouted at me as i told her the reason why i wanted to shift my course.

"because your not enjoying??? you are not excelling??? how can you say that??? all your subjects are still minor... and why would you take psychology??? you don't even want that course. think first. your making a major mistake. your resons aren't just reasonable."

and so i was left with no choice but to continue the path that i first chose. i have tried to get out of this path but is seems that something is hindering. a thought came in that maybe, God won't allow because maybe i am made to be here. i suddenly remembered the day when im supposed to take comm art but decided to take broadcast journ instead. the move just come without even thinking twice. and i felt so sure that what im doing is right. ok. lets deal with it.

college life goes on. attending classes. photo copying handouts. reading. answering exams. later on when i get to my higher years, studying let us experience a little bit of the profession we have to deal with. and soon, i've found myself having fun. soon, i've found myself excelling. im so thankful to our associate dean and to all the hindrances that came along, im made to be here.

and so we found ourselves dealing with eye bags and pimples for staying late, making news,writing news scripts for radio and television, writing news for news paper, discussing current issues in politics, current events.. blah.. blah.. and producing our own make believe TV ad radio shows.

time moves fast. so fast that i just found myself right now writing this blog, looking back four years from now.

but now that i'm facing reality... i've finished my college degree of bachelor of arts of broadcast journalism and currently unemployed. i know what i want to be. and now my problem is how to be that someone. freeze hiring in network station. tight competition. only the best of the bests win. only few gets the chance. you'll start small unsure whether you can make it big. but im not losing hope.

i'm a bummer for almost 2 months, still waiting for a chance to get into any television station. i often complain that i'm getting really bored at home plus im finding it hard to sleep at night.

my brother told me.. "magtrabaho ka na kasi".

i didn't know but to me it sounded like... "mag-call center ka na lang kasi".

but like i said, im not losing hope. not now. not yet. and i hope that before all hope is gone, a chance will come along.

Thoughts from the Past

i can't remember. when was the last time that i wrote something substantive? (define substantive) but i can remember some posts that i've made in the past that somehow helped me to surpass boredom. in this post i am sharing some stupid ideas i wrote in the past. these are the posts from my other blogs written few years ago. well, i've decided to keep 'em all in this blog.

Thoughts of a Thoughtless Poet

written on Jan 14, 2007

i tried to release the thoughts. no matter how uncertain it is. i can see the picture. but it's too vague. i'm blinded with the abstractions of colors and figures. and as i write it down, words just spilled out in the paper. i read it twice and thrice. but still.. its empty. i tried to imagine, putting myself to different worlds and ended up somewhere i don't know. staring at the pale colored wall in front of me. i watch my motionless shadow. sweat drops while my pen's ink drys. i'm just hopeless to give out something i've never had. it's hard to say something you've never heard. it's hard to describe something you've never seen. it is just so hard. where should i find the words? the thoughts? and the emotions? nowhere.. but here inside me. but inside me, it's empty. as a hungry poet who yearns for wisdom and life, who lacks experience and feelings, there's nothing i can do but wait, until experience teaches me, until time molds me and soon i'll have substance. so as i fill myself, i'll fill this paper.

The next one was my first and only post in filipinowriter.com

Daing na Pusit

written on December 1, 2006

Ginigising ako ng isang maingay na tunog. Hindi tumitigil, matinis, masakit sa tenga at paulit-ulit akong ginagambala sa aking pagkakahimbing. Ngunit wala akong pakialam. Hindi ko imumulat ang aking mata. Ayokong masilayan nanaman ang mundo ng usok, alikabok, buho-buhol na trapik, siksikang jeep, mainit na panahon, lubak na kalsada, mabahong palengke, basura, polusyon, quizzes, assignments, projects, mukha ng masungit kong propesor, mukha ng kaklase kong mayabang, plastik na ngiti ng seatmate kong makapal ang make-up, libro ko sa Statistics, madumi kong sapatos at matabang na pagkain sa canteen. Napapagod na ko. Patuloy na lang akong mananaginip kung saan madilim ngunit tahimik at payapa. Walang inaalala. Nagmatigas ako. Hindi ako papaapekto sa nakakarindi at nakakabulahaw na ingay na ito.

Ngunit ilang sandali pa. Sari-saring boses ang biglang nagsulputan sa aking pandinig. Tila umaayon sila sa ingay na gumigisng sa akin. Ibat'-ibang boses. Iba't-iba ang sinasabi. Pinagtutulungan nila ako!

Sabi ng makatang boring ang buhay...

"Gumising ka na! Kailangan dumilat. Kailangang tanggapin na hindi tayo nabubuhay sa pantasya mong paraiso, kung saan ang malinis at sariwang hangin ay kayamanan, kung saan ang lagaslas ng tubig ay musika, kung saan ang makukulay na bulaklak ay kaligayahan, kung saan ang sinag ng araw ay di nakakapaso."

Sabi ng pakelamera kong konsensya...

"Hindi ka pwedeng umabsent! Tanga ka ba? Isipin mo nga kung magkano ang matrikula mo sa buong semestre na ito! Tatlumpung libong piso mula sa dugo at pawis ng iyong mga magulang! Di ka ba nangihihnayang? Tanga!

Sabi ng estudyanteng grade conscious...

"Hoy! Bumangon ka diyan! Nakalimutan mo na bang may long quiz ka ngayon? Bagsak yung long quiz mo nung nakaraan! Kung gusto mong bumawi bumangon ka diyan!"

Sabi ng kung sinumang gusto lang manermon...

"Aba! Anong oras na oh?! Alam mo naman na sa 5th floor ang unang klase mo ngayon! At may assignment ka pang gagawin na hindi mo ginawa kagabi! Ayan kasi.. Katamaran!"

Sabi ng gimikera...

"Hey girlash! May gimik tayo sa Friday... remember? Kundi ka gigising ngayon wala kang baon! Wala kang panggastos sa gimik naten!"

Sabi ng malanding bakla...

"Bruha! Uy Thursday ngayon di ba? May class ka sa College of Business Building! Makikita mo nanaman yung crush mo na oh so fafable tlga! Dali na bangon na! Wag na mag-inarte! Wala kang dapat palagpasin na pagkakataon ngayon at bokya ang lovelife mo!"

Sabi ng kusinero...

"Daing na pusit, kamatis, sinangag at itlog ang almusal! Gising na!"

Sabi nilang lahat...

"GISING NA!!! BANGON NA!!!

Sabi ko...

"Waaaaaaaah!!!!! Bwiset!!!!!!!!!!

Hindi ko na matiis ang sari-saring boses na sinasabayan pa ng maingay na tunog! Inabot ko ang aking cellphone at pinindot ang buton na sagot sa kaniyang katahimikan. Pesteng alarm! Bakit pa kasing naisipan kong ialarm tong cell phone na to! Ngayo't alam ko namang hangga't maari ay ayokong magising at humarap sa panibago, nakakapagod at walang saysay na araw.

Ayaw ng utak ko gumana ngunit ang katawan ko ay tila may sariling isip. Kumikilos ng kusa. Kinuha ang tuwalya, binuksan ang ilaw, pumasok sa banyo at naligo. Parang isang manikang de susi. Wala akong magawa at wala na kong magagawa. Ako ay isang nilalang na binigyan ng buhay upang mabuhay at mabuhay sa buhay. Heto nanaman ako, haharapin ang isang panibagong umaga na hindi ko naman ninais masilayan.

Ilang minuto ang nakalipas at di ko namalayang nakaupo na pala ako sa jeep na siyang aking tagapaghatid- sundo ko sa araw-araw. Iniabot ko ang bente at pinagpasapashan ng tatlong kamay bago makarating kay mamang drayber. Labing walong piso ang pamasahe ko hanggang school, ngunit kung hindi mo sasabihin ang magic word, ito ay magigigng bente. Ano ang magic word? "Estudyante po!" Shing! Yun ang magic word! Ngunit nung araw na iyon tila wala akong lakas magsalita ni "ha" ni "ho" kaya't walang kibo ko lang na iniabot ang bente at hindi na naghintay na may babalik na sukli. Ngunit, Aba! Nagsukli si mamang drayber! Dalawang piso ang bumalk sa bulsa ko. May marunong pa palang magsukli ng tama sa ngayon. Mabuti naman. Kahit papano nabawasan ang kabadtripan ko.

Sinuri ko ang bawat mukhang nakapaligid sa akin sa jeep na iyon. "Sila kaya? Ginusto kaya nilang magising para sa araw na ito? O napilitan lang sila gaya ko?" Hindi ko alam. Dumungaw ako sa labas ng bintana ng jeep. Tinanaw ang paligid kahit na batid kong wala naman akong magandang makikita. Basura, polusyon, trapiko, sirang kalsada, sari-saring mukha ng tao at mukha ng kahirapan. Sadyang ganito lang siguro ang buhay. Alam mong walang dapat asahan ngunit patuloy kang umaasa. Ayaw mong gumising ngunit obligado ka o di kaya'y nagbabakasakaling baka sa araw na ito ay magkaroon ng pagbabago. Na sana sa susunod na iyong pagdungaw, maganda ang tatambad sa iyong mukha. Naghihintay sa maaring magandang mangyari. Magkaroon man lamang ng magandang dahilan upang ngumiti at gumising para sa susunod na bukas. Umaasang mahahanap ang kagandahan sa pangit na mundo.

(full of negativity.. hehe)

Touched for the Very First Time

hi to anyone who will read this. this is my first time to write a post in this blog. i've made this blog a long time ago and never made a post since that day. my reason? i forgot the password.. along with the password i've also forgot that i have a blog. well, few days ago i've read some blogs of other people and suddenly i just remembered that i have a blog too, so i tried to recover my account. along with the recovery of this account i also suddenly felt that i want to write again.

it's like a search for a missing pen. once you've found it, you must use it. or else you'll fail to give it the reason for it's existence and it's purpose in this world.

what to write about???

anything.